Sunday, August 30, 2015

This One's For the Girls

Girl Pump Power Music by Martina McBride 
at the Historical Grand Ol Opry

Today at Church, I cried a lot. I cried during every hymn. I cried a little at the end when a very nice older man shared the heartbreaking story of his daughter struggling to make her way. He asked for prayers. Said honestly that he had no idea what to do.

I didn't cry much during the talk because it was so good and it was pointed in my direction. It was even based off of my favorite chapter of the Book of Mormon.

2 Nephi 2

Which reads in verse 27 about agency:
Wherefore men are free according to the flesh and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life through the Great Mediator of all men or to choose captivity and death through the captivity and power of the devil who seeketh to make all men miserable like unto himself.

I knew immediately how this talk was meant for me.

I have made good and bad choices. Everyone does. I have made a few bad ones lately. I would like to make a few better ones and just be a little better every day.

What kind Brother Wagner said was:

1.Obtain a vision of what you would like
2. See the obstacles and do not let them obscure your purpose

He related this process to climbing a mountain: 
              Pick the mountain 
                      Choose the route
                           Clip in to the posts that protect you*
                         GET TO THE TOP AND FEEL AWESOME!!!

          *(You don't have to clip in to the protection clips. You don't have to follow the commandments.)

I have options before me. They are always before me. The option to be with a man who will not take me to that white building hanging on the wall. The option to live single for a good long while. The other ones waiting and growing and with a little faith, someday working out for me. 

The option to live outside the walls of the Church for a time. The option to sit alone and wallow. The option to reach out. The option to FOLLOW the commandments of God and LET CHRIST IN.

Sometimes when we get down we think: What is God's purpose in all of this?

God doesn't always have a reason. He doesn't orchestrate the universe to seek vengeance on His children.

God is Our Loving Heavenly Father.
(SEE Preach my Gospel Lesson 1)
He wants to give us blessings. We just have to include Him in our lives.

His reasoning is that He has made an earth, given all that is expedient unto us and allowed us a time and space to learn and grow.

Some may look at the unfairness of circumstance as an evidence of a lack of a Supreme Being. He is fair. He is just. He knows too the ways in which the roads we walk in life are hard.

Jesus did not walk one road to Damascus. He did not take a short leisurely walk to the cross. Christ knows the way the stones cut our feet because He walked the hardest roads until his sandals broke. Oh and those were the days where sandals were made out of leather and not this cheap synthetic stuff. 

Plus if he happened to randomly run into a poor dude along the way who lacked shoes, then Jesus would lean down, undo his leather straps and give them away, in which case His feet would really get cut up.

Imagine those feet!

Imagine the worlds He walked in such a short time spent on earth.

Now. Did God specially create trials and rocky roads for just Jesus to cut His feet on? 


God doesn't specially craft trials to punish his less deserving children.

He doesn't dole out private jets to the people who are most deserving either.


Our Kind and Loving Heavenly Father doesn't handcraft the world to punish or reward us.

He already spent time in the Creation process. He knows the roads we walk because He created them. He knows the cuts we will find at the end of our long day.

He knows that some people are born into thin mountain air and eat off of eagles and dead wolves their whole lives. Are they less valuable souls than the Chelsea Clinton types? 


Doctrine and Covenants 18

The worth of souls is GREAT in the sight of God. 

Your soul has infinite worth. 

The Lord knows you. He did not handpick the trials you face out of some kind of nasty and twisted divine motive.

BUT....He loves you so much He will not clear the rocks. He will not rain down sandals upon the road when yours wear thin.

And when you act the Christian part and you lean down and unstrap your shoes, give them to your neighbor, the Lord will strengthen your feet so you may forge on.

You are not alone. Our Lord and Master has walked the hardest path so you would not be. HE LOVES YOU.

Don't forget girl. Don't forget. 

No matter what. 
No buts. No conditions.

Christ loves you. 

He will lift you.

Christ loves you.

You don't have to get up, you just reach up girl. He will do the lifting. 

Christ loves you.

And even though we may have not met,
I love you too.

Your friend always,


Thursday, August 27, 2015

Recently from
I called my mother earlier. I haven't been much into calling other people lately. I guess it is my need for some distance as I sort through things. I'm not sure really.
Just the idea of reaching out to others about things seems exhausting though. 
Or the idea of them reaching back too. 

I am in this self enforced social seclusion. 

I am trying to slowly come out. I write this blog in hopes some girl who also had a hard day will someday find it and though she is entrapped in her own depression, she will know she is not alone.

It was hard today. 

It was all fine.


I went to soccer practice today. In the middle I had to leave.
It was all fine. I had picked flowers on the way there to press into my notebook. I was listening to Taylor Swift. I had slept a lot the night before and spent the morning languidly in bed with a new book.

I started to have a panic attack and I didn't bring my meds today.

My body was already sore. I began to be pushed to the edge. 

Lately, when I am really at the edge physically, I began to reach the emotional edge too.
So we were doing drills. My body was achey. All of a sudden, I couldn't breath very well. 
I knew what was happening.

In a way it was like getting my period. The first time I was scared. I saw the blood and it was all real. I felt how my body was going to change and how I would have to deal with pregnancy and navigating womanhood.

As I began to not be able to breathe, I stepped away. I sat down. 

It was not all fine.

I stared off at the fence for a long while, trying very hard not to cry. 
I put my sunglasses on and I cried anyway.
I cried because the field I had been born into suddenly became this dark space. The field whose music I had known since I was a little girl, and I had to stand up and say this isn't me anymore. 

This isn't me.
There are too many people here.
And none of them get it yet.

They get to have these years to fuck around. They will take long walks on the beach and cry in the laps of their roommates and sometime sing with a man in a musty apartment that the man's mother may have lived in once. 

They think it will all work. The dreams and the soccer and the shit that happens.
It doesn't just work out.

It doesn't happen where I get my heart broken, go on a mission, my grandfather dies, I come home and then it is all just magically okay.

It's not okay. I loved someone in a way that made me feel inspired to be who he believed me to be. Then we parted ways.

I keep trying everything . I tried a mission. I tried ballet. I tried a series of long baths with lavender Epsom salt. I even once kissed a very gorgeous black man near a glowing fire. He didn't taste like the beer. He tasted like nothing. I was there for only a second with him before I started thinking of someone else and then I was numb. He could have fucked me right then and I wouldn't have felt a thing. My body would have floated above and he would have been left fucking an empty hearted pussy. Nobody wants one of those. They don't work so good.

So I'm not playing soccer today. I'm sitting in the cafeteria of the old community college watching some people play Super Smashbrothers and throw their lives away slowly.

It's funny you know. I wanted to live too fast for you. The dreams you had did not contain the smell of my hair. And the sheer quantity of my dreams drowned out your soft underbelly. I cannot go on like that.

I know better now. I want someone who wants to live big. Who knows the bigness is there and that we can own it together. As much as I wish your right hand could still be guiding my left hip, I cannot go on any further. 

I have to find someone who will heat my mashed potatoes in the middle of the night. Who knows how to hold a baby. Who is willing to buy me ample amounts of orange sherbert and who remembers to bring flowers sometimes on days that I least expect it. 

Someone who will say halfway through dinner,
And I will say, 
And then pack our stuff and our son's things too.  And I don't want a dad anymore. I want a lover.

And until then, I would like to slowly throw my life away with the rest of the dickfaces playing Smashbrothers and eating cheetos in this world.